I wish I could see into the future sometimes. See what would happen if I remained alive for a very long time. I wanna do so many things. So many incredible things. Things I can only dream about or see in movies. I wanna live a life that makes me happy and makes me feel like all this right now, all these nightmares about the past and sadness, were worth trudging through.
I don’t want to be someone who one day thinks about why I hadn’t taken my chances. Why I hadn’t traveled to all these places I dreamt of, why I hadn’t studied all these languages, why I hadn’t volunteered to build houses in these places I knew I could help, why I hadn’t fallen in love, why I hadn’t done everything I dreamt of doing since I was twelve years old and knew my life would be worth nothing if I didn’t do at least three of these things.
Yet in the present, I never really think about anything anymore. Not really. Not a single thought comes to mind. Its all just static noise. No matter how happy I get with my friends and how happy I can feel, in the end, I can’t be with the ones I want to be with and I can’t leave behind what I want to. If I ever do think about something it’s at night when everything is quiet. And I think, if I stay this way, if I really stay this way forever, I hope I have enough decency to kill myself before I turn twenty-five.
One of the only things that brings me comfort is hoping that maybe one day soon, I will gain the courage to end me before it is too late.
And when I think of all the pain I’ve caused my mum and how she deserves a better kid than shitty me I start to cry again wow
I’m so shitty. If I died I know I’d make her sad, and I hate making anyone sad. But if I make her sad by dying and if I make her worry AND sad by living, what the hell am I supposed to do? It doesn’t really matter.
Naturally, I’m afraid to die. But if I did, I would be okay with it.
Maybe this is what I get for never opening up to anyone anymore, always trying to be positive and keep it together even when I’m falling apart. But I’m not depressed, I’m just tired. I’m so, fucking, tired and I cannot, for the life of me, understand this. I don’t get how someone can say they’re gonna do something and just… do it. It’s incredibly simple. It’s amazing. To be someone who does things when they say they’re going to.
I can’t remember the last time I had such a will. It would take so much energy to fix it now and change my speeding train of thought.