So there’s a guy I’m interested in getting to know. Loki and Echo have both okayed him. They like him and think he’s a nice guy. I don’t even really know him, I just see him around a lot and think he’s handsome and interesting.
The problem is that I’m incredibly awkward around people I don’t know. I say weird or awkward things out of nervousness. I’m super timid about approaching people, and totally afraid of rejection. And I’m pretty hard on myself.
With Loki’s support and Echo’s advice and encouragement, I got to talk to the interesting guy last night, and he seems interested in getting to know me… I told him about our relationship and he didn’t seem too freaked out.
I’m cautiously optimistic he might contact me and ask me out. I couldn’t have done it without Echo there to encourage me.
So I went to a concert tonight with Loki and Echo. Alt-J, Cage the Elephant, Ms Mr, and others.
We experienced our first discrimination as a triad.
We were being all flirty and kissy, and having a fantastic time, and the people behind us got all offended. The girl sitting behind me was kicking Loki’s chair all super hard. I turned around and was like:
Me: Can you stop kicking his chair?
Rude girl: No! You guys are being rude!
Me: How are we being rude?
Rude girl: You’re kissing him, then you’re kissing her, and it’s fucking gross.
Me: What the fuck does that have to do with you?
Rude girl: It’s fucking gross.
Me: This is my husband, and this is my girlfriend. It’s not a big deal. We’re just having fun.
She and her douchebag guys she was with said that we were being offensive and we should stop.
The lady who was showing people to their seats came up to me asked me to move back to my seat. I told her that was going on. That I was there with my husband and my girlfriend and we were being affectionate and the people behind us were being super rude.
The lady went and talked to them and basically threatened to kick them out of the concert. They left us alone.
And when we left she went out of her way to make sure she’d made a difference for us.
I was really grateful to the attendant for helping us and caring about us, but the rudeness of the people behind us really marred our experience.
When Loki and I first started opening our relationship, that comic completely reflects what I was expecting. To find an attractive, bisexual woman, attracted to us and willing to become part of our existing relationship… I thought it would take us forever to find someone like that.
We’ve laughingly told Echo about her unicorn status. But the explanation above regarding the rarity of finding someone like her doesn’t even being to encompass the depth of how special she is.
She’s sweet - she’s always thinking of us, our feelings, our kids, the health of our marriage; and sending us sweet text messages throughout the day. She’s funny - she completely shares our sense of humor, and isn’t afraid to make a silly face or act like a dork. She’s passionate - her kisses, her body, her adventurousness; she gives you all of herself when she’s loving you, and smiles as she does it. She’s talented - she sings opera amazingly, she works in a highly complex professional field, she’s crafty. She’s resilient - she’s been treated badly in the past, but she’s still trusting and open, and hasn’t let her past experiences make her bitter. She’s patient, kind, loving, compassionate, empathetic, intelligent… And oh my god sooo beautiful.
I don’t know how I got so lucky, to have two such amazing people in my life. Loki and Echo are my best friends, my lovers, and my teachers.
Sometimes I get jealous or feel left out, but those times don’t come close to diminishing the life-changing love and joy I feel when we’re together.
Thanksgiving was a quiet affair. Echo went out of town, and we opted not to go anywhere, so it was just me, Loki, and the girls. It was very nice to not have to cook a ton or deal with familial drama.
The girls spent a few days with grandma, which was great. We got a lot of adult time together as a triad. The more time I spend with Echo, the more things I find to love about her. Her sense of humor, her adorable facial expressions, her willingness to try new things. She’s so incredibly kindhearted, and understanding.
Loki and I had a bit of a fight Friday night. Again, a communication thing. Echo had offered to do something to help him, a very huge thing, and Loki never told me about it. I know he doesn’t mean to do it, but it hurts when I feel out of the loop or forgotten about.
I’m feeling more comfortable now, but it can still be hard to be around Loki and Echo a ton. They’re completely adorable with giddy new love, and are flirty and all over each other. I love that they feel that way but sometimes it’s lonely for me. Echo is the last person he kisses at night and the first one he reaches for in the morning. During sex, he is nearly completely focused on her. Again, it’s understandable. She’s new and exciting. But it does make me a little sad… Feel a bit left out.
I know they both try so hard to include me and make me feel loved. I think this is sort of normal for our situation. I try to keep the negative feelings to myself because I know they’ll pass and I’ll be happy again.
But, in case anyone wondered, this is why I send Loki to be with Echo at her place so often - so they can focus on each other and not have to worry about me. It’s good for all of us.
I love what we’re doing. I love being with Echo, both by herself and with Loki. The love between the three of us, the kisses, caresses, hand holding… It’s amazingly good, and so worth these minor problems.
Really tough right now.
Visiting her parents. We are not out to them.
The three of us had some plans for the holidays. Now her mom has pretty much planned a week long family trip for them during that time… Which obviously doesn’t include me.
They want to go, but not for that long because we had plans. But they’re struggling to try to explain “we had plans with my husband’s girlfriend” without saying as much, of course.
That’s really sad, to be treated like you’re not a valid participant of the relationship. It’s never fun being excluded for any reason.
We have the opposite problem. Echo likely won’t be able to come out as poly to her parents for a long time. They’re very conservative and will likely be very upset. She goes home (across the country) for the holiday every year and I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to join her.
So I feel like an idiot, but I can’t figure out how to reply to replies. Can any help me? I googled it and tried a few suggestions and nothing works. I usually tumblr on my iPhone, but I’m on the laptop right now, using Firefox.
The most important thing in any healthy relationship is good communication. This is crucial in polyamorous relationships. The original couple should discuss, at length, openly and honestly, what each both wants and doesn’t want out of a potential partner. Set some ground rules and goals.
It is also incredibly important to continue communicating, all the time. As the relationship grows, as you meet people, as you accept people into your relationship, things change.
A strong relationship is flexible, and fluid. Rules set at the beginning may not be realistic or important later on. Or new rules may need to be agreed upon. Some things you think you’d never be comfortable with, you may find yourself being completely willing to do later, as you grow to love more.
So Loki asked Echo to be his girlfriend, and then today during dinner she asked me to be her girlfriend. :)
Omg we’re officially a triad!! I’m feeling so excited, so happy!!! The future is so uncertain but so exciting. :) I can’t believe how lucky I am to have two such amazing people in my life, who love me back!!!
I love giving Loki and Echo alone time because it’s so good for them to bond and play. But I hate missing them, and missing out on the pleasure and fun. I want to experience everything with them! I’d be a little more satisfied if Loki was better about describing things so I could at least satisfy my voyeuristic compersion. I want to hear all the dirty, sexy, lovely details!!!
Echo and Loki are out for some one on one time, so I decided to shop for some new toys. I bought a rabbit, a clitoral massager, and some restraints. I’m REALLY looking forward to playing with them, both alone and with my loves!!
Very happy that I found your blog! I am pursuing a triad, and am hoping to make it all work. Have stumbled quite a bit so far, and would love to draw strength and support from others who are polyamorous. Mind if I follow your blog? ~Kita
Of course I don’t mind! I love hearing about everyone’s experiences too. It makes me feel like we’re not the only ones doing this crazy wonderful thing! I wish you the best of luck!
A little helpful background to the following story - - One night Echo spent the night. Rose asked the next morning where Echo had slept since there were no blankets rumpled up in the living room. I told her Echo slept on the couch in our bedroom, so we could talk . The couch faces my side of the bed. —
Loki and I decided to switch sides of the bed, mostly because Echo needs to sleep on her right side but understandably doesn’t want to turn her back to Loki all night. The other, much more minor, reason is that we have a tempurpedic mattress and there are squishy hollows where we regularly lay, so it will be good to switch it up.
So I’m in the bedroom swapping the junk from our night stands, when Rose comes in and asks what I’m doing. I give her the secondary, although still technically true, reason. And Rose says, “Yeah, and dad can be closer to Echo when she sleeps over.”
It’s so good the kids like Echo because I don’t know how long we can hide our relationship from the kids.
“Only be with someone who you think you can learn from. They should be smarter than you in certain ways so that you can continue to grow and be interested. Above all, you should undoubtedly be proud that you are with them.”—something my 10th grade history teacher told me about how he knew he wanted to marry his wife (via mindtricks-)
Talking to a friend the other day about a bad breakup, I didn’t get the impression she felt she had truly been abused, although many of the things she told me made me want to cry.
Healthy love - is patient, wants you to be happy, is supportive, is understanding, talks about feelings, listens to you, tries to understand you, forgives you, comforts you, encourages you, lifts you up, praises you, and most of all makes you FEEL LOVED.
Below are signs of abuse from womenshealth.gov. If you are currently in a relationship where you experience the following, get out, get help. No one should treat you this way. Ever. This is NOT love. And it’s not your fault.
- Monitors what you’re doing all the time
- Unfairly accuses you of being unfaithful all the time
- Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family
- Prevents or discourages you from going to work or school
- Gets very angry during and after drinking alcohol or using drugs
- Controls how you spend your money
- Controls your use of needed medicines
- Decides things for you that you should be allowed to decide (like what to wear or eat)
- Humiliates you in front of others
- Destroys your property or things that you care about
- Threatens to hurt you, the children, or pets
- Hurts you (by hitting, beating, pushing, shoving, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting)
- Uses (or threatens to use) a weapon against you
- Forces you to have sex against your will
- Controls your birth control or insists that you get pregnant
- Blames you for his or her violent outbursts
- Threatens to harm himself or herself when upset with you
- Says things like, “If I can’t have you then no one can.”
I had previously written / felt like I wasn’t truly bisexual and that I didn’t return Echo’s feelings. I want to state, for the record, that’s no longer true.
She and I have spent hours talking, laughing, flirting, and not only do I love her, and think of her all the time, I am deeply attracted to her. I’m just an emotional person and I was too scared to develop deep feelings for Echo when I didn’t know her very well, and was afraid of negative outcomes.
And fuck it’s easier now. I love her. I love Loki. They love me and each other.
I want her to be with us. I want them to be together. I want to romp around in bed and do dirty things to each other, and I turn myself on just writing that.
I want her in our lives.
I would still like to meet another man, if not to be in a relationship with, at least to play with us in ways I know all of us would like. As my friend Apple told me, we’re living a fantasy right now. And fuck yes, she’s right. But we’re making it a reality, and it feels amazing.
#YouKnowYourePolyWhen you’re at your mother’s 70th birthday party and she says to one friend after another, “You know my daughter, of course, and this is her girlfriend, and this is her husband.” And no one bats an eye, because your mother’s friends are nearly as awesome as your mother is.
How awesome to have a supportive community. I hope we have this too. I came out to my mom the other day and got,”So your marriage is over? Was Loki just not satisfied with you? Well, be careful sweetie, because it sounds to me like this just can’t end well.” And why not?? Why does a poly relationship have to “end badly” anymore than a monogamous one?! Should I force Loki to conceal his feelings for Echo until they eventually cave and have an affair - or he leaves me? How is that better than what we’re doing. Also, we communicate. We talk about our feelings and check on each other ALL THE TIME. I know many monogamous couples who barely speak to each other. In fact, Loki and I used to be one!! Sorry for the rant.
I decided to try to very tentatively broach the topic of our poly amorous relationship to Rose. She’s nearly 13 and very sharp and observant. Since Echo is over a lot, I wanted to talk to her about it before she started formulating her own ideas, or worse walked in on something.
Me: You know how I really like Echo? You know how dad was friends with her first and likes her too? Well he has a crush on Echo (at which point she smiled) and Echo has a crush on him too (at which point she smiled ever wider). So, since I love daddy, and I really like Echo a lot, I told them that it would be okay with me if they wanted to cuddle sometimes. (At which point she looks at me like I’m crazy)
Rose: You did what?! Why would you do that? You might as well tell them you’re cool with them making out!!
Me: I am ok with that too. (She looks scandalized) Think about it. I love dad and he loves me. Does it hurt me for dad to like someone too? No. Especially not when she’s my close friend.
She looked shocked for a while, then kind of shrugged, came sat by me and started eating my lunch. It’s a start. I think she’ll be ok.
I text Loki a funny picture. Later I decide to send it to Echo too, only to find out he already sent it to her. Or Echo will start to tell me something, only to find out that Loki already filled me in. Luckily we all have iPhones and group text is awesome!
We two women get cold, and Loki is a heater. He sleeps in the middle of the bed so he can warm both of us. But neither of us women are ever completely covered by blankets not meant for three so we’re always a little cold, and Loki’s in the middle sweating his ass off and unable to get uncovered.
So it turns out that a large part of why I’ve been freaking out was due to hormones. I guess being so close Echo when she was cycling caused a disruption in my schedule. I had already had my period a week earlier but ended up with cramps, moodiness, and spotting.
We’ve also made some mistakes. Loki has to work out how to make both of us feel loved, wanted, and included all the time. And also to remember that I need him to stay in touch with me. And I need to not be so needy, and trust that Loki loves me when he and Echo have their one on one time.
Loki and I had some pretty bad fights, and we had been so loving towards each other and getting along so well, they felt pretty horrible.
But I spent the afternoon with Echo and we talked a lot. I never stop being amazed at how kind and compassionate she is. She is so understanding of how I feel. I want to spend more one on one time with her, because the more we’re together the more I love her.
We ended up all cuddled on the couch watching movies. We went to bed and just cuddled and fell asleep and it felt so nice. There is so much love between us when we’re all together.
Polyamory. It’s different, and can be complicated in the beginning, but I feel myself growing and learning. And compersion… I love how Echo loves and appreciates Loki. I love how good she makes him feel. I love when we’re all together and it’s so comfortable and so loving.
I’m finding that, at least for me, the early stages of polyamory are a roller coaster. Some days I’m so contented and happy, so excited. Other days I struggle with jealousy, and feel left out, and regret starting this journey. I truly hope it gets easier. I think it will.
Echo and Loki are rapidly falling in love. They text all day every day, and see each other as much as possible. We’ve had two threesomes and Loki’s stayed at her house twice. Echo has fallen very hard for him. It’s quite beautiful.
It’s also terrifying. I’m discovering what it’s like to watch my beloved husband fall in love with another woman. Their newness, flirtation, lust for each other is adorable. But some days I feel left out. Lonely. Forgotten.
Echo tells me she loves me all the time. I’ve discovered, to my disappointment, that I am not as bisexual as I thought. I’m attracted to Echo, and I love being intimate with her, but I also feel reluctant to develop feelings for her. I care about her, but I don’t always feel romantic towards her. I wonder if my fear of losing Loki to her tempers my passion for her.
Am I evolved enough to do this? Am I mature enough to make this work? Loki is so incredibly happy, and I want so badly to be happy too… And not bring him down with my tantrums. We talk it out and get things resolved but I’m looking forward to getting to a point where those negative feelings settle down.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I might not be able to be a triangle - we’ll have to be more of a v. I’d really like to find a good man to be a fourth, so we could be a quad. That way I wouldn’t be alone and would brood so much when Loki’s with Echo.
Echo has shared that she is a submissive. I don’t enjoy bdsm, but Loki has long wanted to tie me down and pleasure-torture me, give me hard spankings, that sort of thing, and I’m just not into it. Echo told me last night that she has under-mattress restraints on her bed, and she’s never had the chance to use them. I encouraged her to invite Loki over for a little bit rougher play than I enjoy. He was incredibly excited. So I’m looking forward to hearing all about that.
Loki and I ordered some toys (a rabbit for me, and a strap-on for me to use on him) so that we could have some creative play together. The toys are scheduled to arrive today. Yesterday I was texting with Echo. I asked her if she was still planning to meet the guy she meets occasionally for no-strings sex. She said he hadn’t called her, and she didn’t seem eager to connect with him again. Since that meant she was free Wednesday night, I invited her over to play with our new toys with us. She was really excited about it, and Loki and I are too. Although, I’ve never used a strap-on before, and Loki’s never received anal, so it will be a learning experience. One of Echo’s unfulfilled desires is dp, so I’m tempted to suggest we give it a try.
Echo came over yesterday and joined us and the kids for a quick dinner, and then went with Loki to the pub. I hung out with the girls until they were settled in bed for the night, and then went over to the pub myself. While we were talking, Echo told me that she was really enjoying the time she was spending with us, that she wanted to be with us as much as possible, and that she’s really interested in continuing to see us and see where things go. To me, that sounds like she’s seriously considering being our girlfriend and becoming a more permanent part of our lives.
Loki is overjoyed. This is everything he’s wanted, from the beginning of this whole adventure. And, for us to find a woman so soon who’s attracted to both of us, and not completely freaked out by the situation, and who we’re both attracted to… It’s shocking how easily it happened. How quickly we found her. How comfortable I feel with her, and how much I trust her.
I’m kind of reeling. Everything’s happening so quickly. I can’t sort out how I feel. I very much care about Echo, and I am very attracted to her. I enjoy spending time with her. But I’m nearly as hesitant as I am excited. I expected it to take longer for us to find someone like her, and part of me doubted we’d ever find someone. I expected we’d each have a date or two with some other people… maybe become a poly-v.
I feel like I’m living in a dream. It’s a little hard believing that this is really happening. And I’m so happy and excited but I’m also a little bit scared, sort of overwhelmed. Is that normal?
When Echo and I were talking about the dynamics of Loki and my relationship, and her interest in spending time/being intimate with us, she also asked how we feel about her having other partners. I don’t expect her to be fidelitous to us right away. I think that’s premature at this point. But I did tell her that we are open and honest about everything, and that we want the same from her. If she sleeps with someone, we want to know about it.
After talking with Loki, I got the impression that he’s not happy with the idea of Echo being with other people. He didn’t say it, it’s just a feeling I got. And I know I should have discussed it with Loki before speaking for both of us.
I just think we should treat Echo like we would any “normal” girlfriend - let her decide if / when she’s ready to commit to us.
My best friend Apple is not a sexual person. She’s not bisexual, at all, and even sex with her husband is a chore for her. She never self-pleasures. She doesn’t want to be labeled asexual, but I think she is.
Compared to Apple, I’m an absolute nympho. But, instead of being uncomfortable, she is a great listener and very supportive. I have told her all about our journey with polyamory, and she has such wonderful insight, advice, and kindness to offer.
We don’t have to be the same to love each other. And her feeling towards sex and mine being so different has no impact on our friendship. We mutually respect each other.
We haven’t been so lucky with other friends. We haven’t heard from another couple we were close with since Loki talked about our relationship and his excitement with them. Loki said he felt like he made them uncomfortable.
Hopefully they’ll come around.
Echo spent the night with us last night. She told us she loves us both. We had amazing sex, and then all slept in bed together. Woke up this morning to more hugs and kisses.
Her body is so beautiful, she’s curvy and full-bodied, and so physically different from me. Her caresses, her little moans, just… Oh my gosh! And the three of us, laying in bed together, naked, hugging… And the look of bliss on Loki’s face…
I feel like I’m dreaming. This is all so wonderful and amazing I can’t believe it’s happening.